Chupaqueso.com

Here’s an older piece of chupaqueso fan-mail. I really need to clean my Inbox more often…

I’ve just tried my first chupaqueso, and I must say, my arteries curse you Howard! I think I’m going to develop an addiction, I want another!

My first attempt was a basic cheddar shell with a mozzarella and crispy bacon filling (a con tocino?). Unfortunately my pan is not ideal and I ended up with a burnt beef taste on the underside, so I’m going to have to buy a new pan just for making these.

Now I’ve read the site and noticed you’ve added chocolate as a filling - I’m gonna have to try that at some point too. Have you considered adding spices to the mix, either as the filling or possibly as part of the shell?

I think I’m gonna go make another.

Paul

I hope the new pan works out for you, Paul. Thanks for the note!

–Howard

The cast-iron skillet I got yesterday was pre-seasoned. I compared the coating it had to the coating I’ve got on my griddle, and made an important discovery:

Lodge “pre-seasoning” is just that. It’s what they do to the pan BEFORE you sit down and give it a proper seasoning yourself.

I’ve cooked on the pre-seasoned surface three times now, and while it’s okay, it’s not nearly so non-stick as the surface of the griddle. So I got out the Crisco, fired the oven up to 350F, and gave my new skillet a good, thick coating. It took about two hours.

The difference is quite visible. NOW it’s ready for business. (Chupaquesos for lunch today!)

I just got this email from a reader:

Hello Mr. Tayler,
I just wanted to share with you the results of a recent culinary experiment.
Starting out like a chupaqueso, but with a 12 inch cast iron skillet with mozzarella out to the edge. Toast it and flip it over as usual then after re-flipping, transfer to a round foil pie pan. Add tomato sauce and your favorite pizza toppings (including cheeeeeeese of course) then pop into the toaster oven for 10 minutes or so. Presto! Low-carb pizza! It came out quite well and of course was quesoliscious, or is that chupaliscious? Hope you find this usefull. Keep on Schlockin’.
Sincerely,
Jay Scott Raymond, Schlock fan

Thanks for the tip, Jay! This sounds tasty, if a bit tricky. Still, if anybody out there has the chops to flip a conventional chupaqueso, making a pizza on top of the flat “cheese-crisp” part should be no trouble at all.

I’m ready for Teflognarok. Bring the Teflocalypse. Amass the armies of Teflogeddon. I have a Lodge 8″ skillet, and it works perfectly (for my own definition of perfect.)

I had two basted eggs for breakfast, and they were delicious. They slid right out of the skillet, picture perfect. They also tasted better than teflon-skilletted eggs, but I’m willing to concede that the improved flavor was just my imagination.

I also had toast, yes — low-carbing took a hit this morning in the interest of science. You might ask whether toast was really necessary to the process, since it never comes anywhere NEAR the skillet. I assure you, it was. Basted eggs without toast are just chicken by-products.

Anyway, a big thank-you goes out to Haesselich, who so graciously provided the skillet. Between the skillet and the griddle, I’m ready fo’ da gummint to takes away mah teflon.

I got tired of moderating away comments posted by a rather persistent spammer flogging a diet pill. The site has always been set to hold for moderation any comments with too many links, and so the spam was never actually seen by anyone but me (and possibly Howard). Now, any comment with the name of that particular often-spammed diet pill will simply be refused.

And now, to forcibly drag this post on-topic…

Note that I spelled it “spam”, not “SPAM”. The latter is a registered trademark of Hormel Foods Corporation, which has been remarkably clueful as corporations go about its use on the net: basically, as long as you make sure not to use the capitalized form, they don’t have much problem with its use to describe the scourge of the Internet. I believe that those of us on the net should honor their wishes.

The canned meat product that’s the subject of the trademark is not one of my favorite foods, but I might get a can, chop it up into little bits, and try it on a chupaqueso.

There. How’s that for trying valiantly to stay close to the actual topic? Or should I give up and just post a picture of the latest chocolate and jalapeno creation?

Ah, syrup-food. Breakfast treats with sweet, mushy innards and mapley goodness drizzled over the top. They’re oh-so-strictly verboten under my current diet.

So I make do with this recipe:

Ingredients
1/4 cup “quark” (yogurt cheese) or cream cheese
1 egg
1 tbsp milk
1 tbsp butter
maple flavoring
banana flavoring
2 packets of Splenda

To begin: soften the butter, add a packet of splenda and a couple of drops of maple flavoring. Mix well. This is the topping.

Beat the egg and add the milk. Add just a sprinkle of Splenda.

Add a drop or two of banana flavoring and the rest of packet #2 of Splenda to the quark (yogurt cheese, which must be made with UNSWEETENED yogurt, or you’re getting sugar in your low-carb meal). Cream cheese will work too, but quark (pronounced “kvark”) is better.

Now… heat your griddle or large skillet, and pour the egg into a thin layer. When it has cooked mostly through, gently spread (or “carefully glop”) the artificially-sweetened, artificially flavored qvark onto it in a line near one edge. Roll it up, let it heat just a little more, and then slide it off onto a plate.

Drizzle the maple-splenda butter over the top, and eat it right now, because it is best served hot.

Carb content is about 5g - 1g/oz in the quark, 1g per packet of Splenda, and 1g per tablespoon of milk.

Chalain and I joke about low-carb dieting all the time. See, we know it works for us, but both of us “fall off the wagon” from time to time.

I’m not sure of the origin of the “on the wagon” metaphor, but it’s very visual for us. See, when I stop low-carbing it’s usually because of stress, and I begin to crave comfort foods. That means chocolate, french toast, and big bowls of fried noodles. And from there things usually progress into a diet where I’m living off of “spaghetti toast” (toast with marinara sauce) and chocolate milk.

And Chalain and I describe it not as “falling off the wagon” but as “leaping from the wagon, stripping naked, and running off into the woods to play with the faerie folk.”

Low-carb dieting, for me anyway, is a discipline that helps me break my addiction to dancing naked with elfkin.

For the last three weeks I’ve been stressed, and I’ve made it further and further into the woods. The brownies and I had quite the mosh pit last week, and Saturday I realized that I was back up to needing two naps per day, and still not having any energy. So Sandra and I agreed it was time to get back on the wagon.

Firing up the low-carb diet is not easy, because I have two days of comfort food cravings. This can be offset with medication (mostly caffeine, ibuprofen, and chromium) and exercise, but the side-effect is 18 hours of being wiped out in weird ways. Chalain and I describe THAT not as “getting back on the wagon” but as “getting on the wagon by standing in front of it, letting it hit you, and then getting caught up in one of the wheels.”

So… today I’m back under the wagon. The theme-song? “The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round.”

In the Perfect Nines thread someone commented about why cookbooks recommend not cooking eggs in cast iron: they discolor (sometimes).

I’ve cooked eggs on the cast iron griddle, and not noticed discoloration (though my success at basting them there has been mixed — see the linked thread above for details). My guess: if you keep your cast iron freshly seasoned and use it often, your eggs will be a healthy white-and-yellow rather than brown and green.

But that’s not the issue here– the issue here is the difference between new cookbooks and older cookbooks. I was reading a recipe for eggs “over easy” in a new cookbook over at Chalain’s place, and was APALLED. It said that after cooking on the first side for 2 and a half minutes, you flip the egg over and cook for another 90 seconds.

I’ve got news for you… if you cook your egg that long, it’s not over easy. It isn’t over “medium.” I wouldn’t ever call it over “hard.” I’d just say it’s “overcooked” and throw the rubbery thing into the sink.
Why for the love of all things tasty would the chefs at Better Homes and Gardens or the kitchen priestesses at Betty Crocker (I forget the brand name of the cookbook) tell us that “over easy” is done this way? Well, the answer was in the back.

It’s a CYA: Cover Your (Attorney). They don’t want you to have the slightest bit of not-completely-cooked egg in your diet, lest you contract salmonella and sue Better Homes & Betty for mal-recipe-practice.

I’m guessing these same cookbooks will not give accurate timings for rare steak, juicy chicken, or (Betty forbid!) raw cookie-dough ice-cream. If the trend keeps up the only place you’ll find preparation instructions for steak tartare or sushi will be in the Anarchist’s Cookbook.

We have a 20-year-old “Joy of Cooking” book, and the recipes in there are SOLID. But I’m not sending that book to college with my kids 10 years from now, lest it get confiscated by the under-cover, under-done police.

For me, the perfect skillet is determined by three things:

1) non-stick surface.
2) Nine-inch diameter.
3) A lid that fits.

This is because when I’m not low-carbing, my favorite breakfast in the world is two basted eggs with two pieces of toast, buttered, for dipping in the yolks. Other sides may accompany it — orange juice, grits, and bacon complete the “hearty” variation — but basted eggs and toast are the key elements.

With the impending Teflocalypse (Teflogeddon? Teflognarok? Find me a word that says “the end of the world if the world depends on Teflon”) I need to find a skillet that will work as well as any one of the four 9-inch teflon pans I’ve had over the last sesquidecade.

See, a basted egg BEGINS just like a fried egg — you take a yolk-intact egg and drop it gently into a hot pan, preferably with some butter already sizzling in there. (Note: in terms of timing, this is also the point at which the plunger on the toaster must be depressed). The egg is allowed to fry for a moment, and then the steam-basting begins.

You take the lid for the pan, put about 2 tbsp of water in the lid, and then dump the water in next to the egg. Now pop the lid on and wait for the toast to come up.

Yes, that’s how I time it. So very scientific, I know. It’s more of a performance art.

Anyway, when the toast is done, the egg is done (assuming you like your toast done the way I like mine done, and your toaster works like mine does, and you have the heat set right… so many variables, so many assumed values) and you put both of them on your plate.

If, that is, you can get the egg off the pan. See, with a good teflon pan, the boiling water will lift the egg from the surface, and the whole mess slides right out, no trouble. With stainless steel it just plain WON’T WORK.

The question — will it work with cast iron? I’m not about to go buy a 9″ cast iron skillet to TEST with, because I’m short the disposable income. I hope it works, though, because within five years both of my 9″ skillets are going to be due for replacement, and by then the Fourth Angel will be Brandishing His Spatula and Cleansing the Griddle of the World with Fire and With Olive Oil. Or something like that.

I swear, I didn’t plan this. It’s only been a couple of weeks since I posted about how much longer lasting cast iron is when compared to teflon… and now I hear that the EPA is seeking to eliminate teflon completely within 10 years.

Here are a few news links…

ABCNews.com - Dupont ceasing teflon-related emissions by 2010

MSNBC - Teflon emissions and cancer risks

Tuberose.com - (giving us a pile of anti-Teflon facts that I know to be true because I read them on the internet)

Apparently there is an increasing body of evidence linking one of the chemicals used in the production process, perfluorooctanoic acid (PFOA), to cancers in laboratory animals, as well as to a number of health problems in humans.

The EPA and Dupont assure us that there’s no PFOA in teflon itself — the chemical is used in the PRODUCTION of teflon. But there’s also a growing body of evidence showing that when teflon overheats it emits ammonium perfluorooctane (also a potential carcinogen), among other (reportedly toxic) things.

I could read up on this all day, but I’ve got cartooning to do. Y’all go dig around and tell me what you think.

–Howard

(hat tip to “Dragon” for this one)