Chupaqueso.com

While I was in the local Hy-Vee grocery store today buying the usual stuff, I noticed a display case full of eye-catching boxes: Van Harden’s Cheese Crust Pizza. Naturally, I had to try one.

The crust is made with cheese and starch, and bakes up to a more-or-less crusty consistency - or would, at least, if I’d followed the directions a bit more exactly. (They call for 10-12 minutes at 450 degrees F, or until the cheese melts; the cheese had melted on mine at 8 minutes, but I let it run till 10 anyway.) It is very important to let it cool for 5 minutes to let the crust set. (I did that.)

The results weren’t bad, though it wasn’t the nice crispy crust I expected. The tomato sauce was quite good, and there was enough cheese and sausage on mine to satisfy me. I’m definitely going to try again, this time following the directions a bit more exactly.

If you live in a place with a Hy-Vee store, you should be able to find it in the frozen food section. If you don’t, and are feeling adventurous, you can also order online; they’ll ship overnight, in an insulated box with dry ice to keep it frozen.

Ah, syrup-food. Breakfast treats with sweet, mushy innards and mapley goodness drizzled over the top. They’re oh-so-strictly verboten under my current diet.

So I make do with this recipe:

Ingredients
1/4 cup “quark” (yogurt cheese) or cream cheese
1 egg
1 tbsp milk
1 tbsp butter
maple flavoring
banana flavoring
2 packets of Splenda

To begin: soften the butter, add a packet of splenda and a couple of drops of maple flavoring. Mix well. This is the topping.

Beat the egg and add the milk. Add just a sprinkle of Splenda.

Add a drop or two of banana flavoring and the rest of packet #2 of Splenda to the quark (yogurt cheese, which must be made with UNSWEETENED yogurt, or you’re getting sugar in your low-carb meal). Cream cheese will work too, but quark (pronounced “kvark”) is better.

Now… heat your griddle or large skillet, and pour the egg into a thin layer. When it has cooked mostly through, gently spread (or “carefully glop”) the artificially-sweetened, artificially flavored qvark onto it in a line near one edge. Roll it up, let it heat just a little more, and then slide it off onto a plate.

Drizzle the maple-splenda butter over the top, and eat it right now, because it is best served hot.

Carb content is about 5g - 1g/oz in the quark, 1g per packet of Splenda, and 1g per tablespoon of milk.

Chalain and I joke about low-carb dieting all the time. See, we know it works for us, but both of us “fall off the wagon” from time to time.

I’m not sure of the origin of the “on the wagon” metaphor, but it’s very visual for us. See, when I stop low-carbing it’s usually because of stress, and I begin to crave comfort foods. That means chocolate, french toast, and big bowls of fried noodles. And from there things usually progress into a diet where I’m living off of “spaghetti toast” (toast with marinara sauce) and chocolate milk.

And Chalain and I describe it not as “falling off the wagon” but as “leaping from the wagon, stripping naked, and running off into the woods to play with the faerie folk.”

Low-carb dieting, for me anyway, is a discipline that helps me break my addiction to dancing naked with elfkin.

For the last three weeks I’ve been stressed, and I’ve made it further and further into the woods. The brownies and I had quite the mosh pit last week, and Saturday I realized that I was back up to needing two naps per day, and still not having any energy. So Sandra and I agreed it was time to get back on the wagon.

Firing up the low-carb diet is not easy, because I have two days of comfort food cravings. This can be offset with medication (mostly caffeine, ibuprofen, and chromium) and exercise, but the side-effect is 18 hours of being wiped out in weird ways. Chalain and I describe THAT not as “getting back on the wagon” but as “getting on the wagon by standing in front of it, letting it hit you, and then getting caught up in one of the wheels.”

So… today I’m back under the wagon. The theme-song? “The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round.”

Howard’s written a fair amount about low-carb eating in the context of the Atkins diet. Far be it from me to dispute the effectiveness of the diet, given his success with it. I should note here that my interest in the chupaqueso is rather different.

Like many others, I have type II diabetes. I am very thankful that I’m not insulin-dependent, and every day I can stave off that fate is one more day I’m happy. (I’m a former paramedic. In spite of that, or perhaps because of it, I intensely dislike getting stuck with a needle.) For the non-insulin-dependent diabetic, controlling blood sugar is principally a matter of medication, exercise, and consistent carbohydrate intake from one day to the next. I’m not as good about the exercise as I should be. I am doing better than I ever thought I could with diet, though.

Part of that success is consistency in carbohydrate intake. Here’s where the chupaqueso comes in: it’s a snack I can have without affecting my blood sugar. This is a Good Thing. That’s also why I’ll use ingredients that are not cheese and meat, although in small quantities. It works well and really knocks out the munchies.

One problem with low-carb diets, for me anyway, is that I get really tired of eggs every morning. I don’t mind eating salads, I like grilled chicken, fish is fine, and we’ve already established that I really like cheese.

I do like eggs, but defaulting to an omelette every morning wears on me.

This morning I had tomatoes and fried cheese, drizzled with olive oil and balsamic vinegar. There are a few grams of carbs in there, but not enough to cause a problem.

You’ll need:
1) A bottled Roma tomato (or a fresh one, but it’s January, and my garden is empty), sliced or chunked so the bits are bite-sized.
2) some thick slices of mozzarella
3) two tbsp of extra-virgin olive oil
4) two tsp of balsamic vinegar

The hardest part about all of this (assuming you can find a good tomato) is frying the mozzarella. The griddle or skillet needs to be a little hotter than pancake temperature — I’d say between 300 and 400 degrees F, but I’m guessing. Lay the cheese on the nonstick (or oiled) surface, and have your spatula ready. When the cheese has a bubbling layer around the edge, it’s probably ready to flip. Be quick, and press down on the spatula so you don’t smash the fried part of the cheese out of the way and end up with a spatula full of goo. Flip.

(Note: If you’ve made a chupaqueso or two successfully, you’ll be able to figure out frying a thick slice of mozzarella.)

Flip the cheese again in about 30 seconds. Remove it from the griddle, and slap it down on the plate next to the tomato slices. Drizzle with olive oil and vinegar. Eat.

Sandra and I bottle our own tomatos (read that “Sandra bottles tomatos and I help eat them”) so we’ve got plenty of tasty romas on hand. You can bet I’ll be doing this again.